Blog again

I’ve had a blog before – but only really used it as a tool for helping me air stuff when feeling down or at a time of crisis. This time I am feeling much more positive and moved on so far from where I was 3 years ago.

My home life is really settled – I have a lovely flat which is mine and though it’s not ideal its comfy for me and the girls and good for work/uni and school. It feels like home and despite me being a little more messy than I would like most of the time, it always feels good to come home and I can relax here. Much better than 3 years ago being at mums house.

My career is heading onwards and upwards and i am confident and engaged in what I am doing. Last year of uni and a great placement this year which makes me excited. I cant wait to be out there in the real world earning money and doing this for real. First time I have ever felt satisfied career wise and I am so happy about it.

Friends – always been a difficult one really since my twenties. When I was married and 21 I was in such a controlled relationship that most of my friends were his and I neglected mine. It was a combination of distance and being told they didn’t care by the husband plus they didn’t really like him much so that made it hard. Coming back to mums aged 28 I re-united with friends and had a short honey moon period going out again and having fun. When I got pregnant again from a fling in 2007 aged 30 I then wasn’t going out so much and I subsequently had post natal depression which isolated me more – my own doing and also those people who were close friends had their own lives – didn’t understand mine as a mother. Most of them were single career girls no way ready to have babies.  Even being at Uni hasn’t really helped – I get on with people more than fine but to form a close relationship seems to be very hard. I don’t think people really get me and I am not sure I really get them mostly.  So I have ‘friends’ but I do not have a best friend or a close one really who I can share stuff with.

Lover – over the past 7 years since having my last child I had 2 serious boyfriends – one was with a guy when the baby was 6 months old and lasted 2 years. He was lovely and I did love him. I thought it was a forever thing but somehow I got bored along the way and something didn’t feel right . I fucked it up and I take the blame however I did really try to make it work. Then a year after that ended I met a guy which lasted 7 months and I was pretty head over heels however he didn’t really feel the same and seems he just had me around to get over his dad dying. He dumped me by text which sent me into my last period of depression. Though there were other factors involved like living with my mother with my kids and very stressful job in which I found myself in constant fights with management.

since that  – well I’ve been on dating sites. I met lets say maybe a dozen men over the last few years because I find it quite a traumatic thing. A few have ended in dating for maybe a month or so but nothing that lasted. A few were one night stands and some led to fuck buddies. I cant say that I dont have sex if I want it. But I have found this gets me down under a while… is there something really shit about my personality that no one really want to get to know me ? I am starting to wonder. When someone will happily get on with you , think you are nice and intelligent and want to fuck you but doesnt really want to hang out and get to know you – you do question whether you are a nice human being or if you have any value other than your ability to suck cock.

I can not even begin to list the amount of men who have contacted me on sites very honestly saying they would love to spend the night with me. But making it very clear that it would be sex and that is it.

Is it the fact I am a mother? surely by the age of 37 men would kind of think a proportion of women MAY have kids. Surely they may be mature enough to think I could date a woman with kids and see if we get along before thinking they need to be a step dad. I mean I would quite like a casual thing – a dating thing. You know – cinema and dinner or a gallery , sex… a drink or two… not even every weekend but just to have someone get to know me and value me as an interesting person.